THE ROOSTER
by Sherry Krial

So, I have this friend and she has a rooster. I know this doesn't actually have anything to do with sports… although, at this point, I've definitely got a better idea what cock fighting is all about and why they make roosters fight like that. Also, I'm sure you guys will appreciate this story. So, back to my friend, ever since she got this rooster, he's just been a real - boy I could use some words here and those of you who know me, know what kind of words I'm talking about and how wonderful my vernacular is - but, you know, what do say about a rooster? This thing is mean, nasty, a real jerk!!

Anyway, this rooster's been around for about a year and not only is he a real jerk but - pardon the pun - he's cocky about it, too. So, this one day last fall, I'm over at my friend's house, we're working outside on some stuff and she's going up the yard to pick some apples. My 4 year old son, Wyatt, decides to tag along to help and, as I'm watching him walk up the hill after her, I notice the rooster is following him. So, I watch some more. Well, don't you know that dadgum rooster was actually stalking my son! Now, you know it didn't take me long to get going after them and, before I could catch up with Wyatt, that @#$*%&$# blasted rooster attacked him! Well, I coiled back for a darn good kick, you know, give 'im the heel of my boot mister, but I missed and, even worst, I almost landed on my butt in the mud! When I caught up to Wyatt, that @#$*%&$# stupid rooster had pecked him right in the back of his knee! The poor kid was scared to death and rightly so. Man, I was pissed!!

So, winter came and went and we had our run-ins with the rooster but, for the most part, we avoided him, especially, Wyatt. Me? I'd see that stupid rooster and I'd crow louder than he could and I think it pissed him off, too. Rooster's kind-of freak me out. I don't know if when I was a kid, I must have seen a scary movie or something where this rooster was pecking out everybody's eyes. Anyway, I'm admitting it here, the rooster scares me. It scares the bejeepers out of me. Okay? Now y'all know it. So, over the last few weeks with some of the nicer weather, we've been going over to my friend's to help with stuff outside. Now, the rooster spent most of the winter somewhat confined, well it's spring now and the rooster is not confined.

About a week ago, I was over there and looking for a rake and the rooster saw me and started to get closer, and you can tell he's not coming over to give me a warm fuzzy; the dadburn rooster's messin' with me. And, being entirely too cocky about it, too! So, I grab the rake and I'm all "ninja rake lady" with the dadgum rooster but I got past him. When I had to turn my back on him to move on, the little @#$*%&$# was sneaking up behind me! So, I gave him a little more of "ninja rake lady" and got far enough away that the rooster let it go. Or so I thought…

Fortunately for Wyatt and I, our good buddies, Bubba and Maggie - Rottweiler's Extraordinaire, were hanging out with us and we were headed up the yard to where we were working and, don't you know I looked up past me and that @#$*%&$# rooster was coming around to our right like he was trying to ambush us! Un-friggin-believable!! Well, Bubba and Maggie were having no parts of that and went straight to work on making the rooster go away from us. And they kept it up for a good portion of the balance of our day.

This brings me to today. Today will stand in my memory as proof that my husband needs to hang the dadgum punching bag he bought me for Christmas! I had a bad day from the start. Waking up was great! It was just my husband and I, smiling, getting the coffee, good morning, have a great day honey, see ya later... Then, the kids are up and, as usual, for a get dressed, jump in the truck, let's get going kind of day, everybody's brains just check out. Now, I'm screaming and yelling at the kids, we're off in the truck, getting errands out of the way, I take Zach to school, and we're ready for a break. Let's go over to my friend's house, bring our old newspapers for the new puppies, and go play with the puppies. Cool! Wyatt and I go. As soon as we get out of the car, there's the rooster. Wyatt decided to go up the hill to the house so I made sure I stayed between him and the rooster so it couldn't get him. That's when I realized that the rooster wasn't interested in Wyatt anymore, he was now stalking me! Oh, that @#$*%&$#! You all know what I'm thinking, too. I didn't have my rake, I had no weapons, and that @#$*%&$# blasted rooster knew it. We had a couple words-crows, the rooster and I, but I got around him and my friend and I went inside for a chat and I noticed that the rooster was standing directly outside the window where I was standing inside and he was watching me. With that one eye on the one side of its @#$*%&$# ugly head, it was watching me through the open window. Again, un-friggin-believable! I am amazed!

So, it's time to go outside again and the rooster, who obviously knows English, is waiting for us, me, up on top of some hay bales in the back of the truck, higher than my eye level (really freaking me out with that one - you know, the eye-thing???), all puffed up, yeah, baby, come on out, I'm kickin' your butt today! So, my friend's boyfriend shooed him away. Cool. Not today after all rooster jerk! I get in my truck, Wyatt's all ready to go, and I forgot to hand over the newspapers for the puppies. Well, at this point, she's in her truck ready to go up to the house, so, I go over to her open door, give her the bag of paper and, while we're chatin', the @#$*%&$# rooster is sneaking up behind me getting closer and closer to my back. So, my friend says - hey, pick up some stones from the driveway and when you turn around and throw the stones at him and scare him away. Okay, yeah, good idea, NO! I never got the chance to bend over for the stones! That friggin' @#$*%&$# blasted stupid rooster attacked me from behind!!! UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE!!

I was scared to death! My friend gets out of the truck as I'm kicking at this @#$*%&$# blasted rooster and I'm missing each time so now she's kicking at the dadgum rooster, too. She kicked him away but not, because the rooster keeps attacking at me! So, she's yelling at me - kick it, don't you take that from that @#$*%&$# blasted rooster! And, I could've run. I could've just dropped trowel and run. And instead of just letting her take care of it, make the rooster go away, and me wimping out because I was sooooo scared, I did it! I let one kick land and I mean that rooster was on it! That @#$*%&$# blasted rooster's been looking for a fight with me for a year! Well, I gave that @#$*%&$# blasted rooster what he was looking for! I started kicking and screaming, flailing my arms, at that damn rooster… I kicked that rooster three times (that actually hit him) and the darn thing just flies up in the air and keeps coming back for more! I think the last kick I delivered with me beating on my chest like King Kong screaming "Bring it on buddy!" finally did it! But I'll tell you one thing… it's going to think twice about messing with me again 'cause now I'm not afraid of it. And I'll tell you something else - my heart was pounding out of my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there and they'd have to put on my tombstone - died fighting with a @#$*%&$# blasted rooster but she didn't loose her eyes!

I thought the Rotty's were scary, but I'll be watching out for the attack rooster! BEWARE!!